after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
