Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
last night I used snow as a chaser
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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