The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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