you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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