did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
