Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
