I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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