I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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