I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
