i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Two words: blizzard sex
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
