Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
We smell like vodka and hangover
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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