Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
