At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
