went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
