the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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