woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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