I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Drake has all the answers
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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