Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We have started to decorate penises.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
