i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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