why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
