I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
