somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
