batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
