If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
