I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
