guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
