Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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