Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
