the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
