i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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