The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
