I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
