I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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