I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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