I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize