White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
