I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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