so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
