"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think your dad took our porno
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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