I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
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My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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