I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
