I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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