I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
