those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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