She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
