morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
