Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
