The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
