Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
