mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It was a blind-side dick pic.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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