i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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