Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
