we have pet lesbian snakes
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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