Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This baby is an asshole
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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