the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize