I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
